The Things That Went Wrong
Let's get the things I don't recommend out of the way. The gap between August and now was not a perfect path to success. Indeed, a few times through that gap in the summer I was at my worst with more than your healthy share of downward spirals.
Didn't Talk About How I Was feeling
I decided to be quite open about my condition as it was a move that made life much easier. I actually still struggle to explain the situation in person (if you feel the same, don't worry) so it was something I did 80% just for myself, with the last 20% being so my family and friends knew what was going on. I rarely talk about how I feel though. This is fine most of the time, really, but depression and anxiety is never going to an obvious thing for someone else to spot out. I believe happiness and depression are not mutually exclusive which, okay, sure, that's great and all but to someone on the outside depression can look identical to unhappiness.
This is where I just wish I stopped to say during it that I'm happy, I'm glad to be with friends and family. I might seem miserable, sad, hopeless and just a downer but that's not how I feel. Separation of one's mental health and their own mind is sometimes a hard concept to swallow. I might not feel perfect, but that's not due to the people I'm around. Expecting people to just know that was an unrealistic aim.
Disappeared, No Contact, Where Is Sam?
Prompt replies have never been my forte. There's nothing worse than someone who won't reply to emails or texts in good time. Like many people it is sometimes because a quick reply with little thought is worse than no reply at all. But really, if we're being honest here, it's mostly because I really struggle what to say. This, my friends, is one of many many ways to start a downward spiral. Isolation breeds the thought to dig further into a realm of little to no contact.
I'm not always strong enough to just explain why I don't want to talk. Even when someone only wants as simple of a response as possible it can feel like the worst thing I could ever do. It's not something I can explain properly because it's only something I know when it happens. After it passes, my mind is different. If you value the concept of owning your own mind like me then this thought can be pretty rattling.
Medication Roulette
Quick disclaimer: This is not medical advice. I'm not going to name my medication because what works for me, may be horrible for you and vice versa. If your GP can only really guess what might work then I have absolutely no clue.
I put all my faith into my medication. I love science and thought medicine, while not a magic bullet, would at least be aimed in the right direction to helping me. This was not the case for my first prescribed medication, not at all. I had talked about suicide in my August blog but nothing was worse than the last couple weeks on the wrong medication. This is purely a personal experience but everything that depression, anxiety, and panic had against me was made only worse with my medication. Shouldn't this be obvious to me? Maybe it should have been obvious, but it wasn't. I thought I was just getting worse.
After advice from friends and, ultimately, my GP, I switched medication. I can't properly explain how enabling this has been to me. I've faced things which were crippling to even think of before. There's the bitterness of accepting that I need it, but not much is gained from dwelling on that thought.
Work
The above topics were hard to talk about because they're hard for me to even understand, let alone put into decent enough words to fill a blog. This one, though, this topic is hard because it requires a great amount of honesty that stings at the first thought. First up, I was reckless with both my health and my responsibilities by putting too much strain on both. Second, I suffered from my expectations of myself increasing much faster than my actual ability. I see all challenges as an opportunity to learn but it doesn't work if they're not possible.
Ultimately, I failed a lot of people this year with work. I thought acknowledging my mental health would enable myself to just deal with it but that's not how it works. Maybe with correct medication there would have been enough on my side to make it work. Really though, it would have only been truly dealt with if I were brutally honest with myself and worked on the reasons why I just couldn't work.
The Things That Did Go Well
This is my favourite part. If not enough progress had been made since August I probably wouldn't be around to blog. I talked a lot about what I'll be doing to help myself. Let me just highlight what really worked.
Personal Project
Still working on it! Like I said in my August blog, the completion is not the point. The point is letting depression take a back seat to creativity and passion. I just thoroughly enjoy working on my project, perhaps more so than anything else people would loosely describe as 'productive'. It's a right balance of creation and problem solving that lets my brain build up a cycle of positivity. It's like my isolation 'strategy' but works in the reverse. It makes me want to enjoy life more and savour the moment rather than worrying about the future.
Fellow programmers, game developers, engineers, artists and just people who want to make things that have concerns over mental health I implore you to start a project you'll love and just work on it. Don't be concerned about finishing it. Just think about the progress made. If you already have one but see it as time that could be used for work, consider this: What makes you happy? Be honest with yourself. As humans we need happiness to keep ourselves running, in the same way we take breaks from life for lunch and sleep.
My tools of choice for this are Unity and Visual Studio. The Unity3D game engine has done so much for me in the past half year that I would consider it to be therapy for someone like myself. I admit, it holds my hand, but it still let's me stumble every now and then.
CBT
Last week I had my last therapy session and it ended up being the last for some of the best reasons. The purpose of CBT is to rewire your brain in how you see the world and your place in it. It's not a superpower, I can still struggle and helplessly focus on only the negatives in life, but that changed from a commonality to a rarity. Both my therapist and I agreed that I was at a state that I did not need therapy sessions (at least for now) any longer.
It works as a way to gain a much healthier perspective on each problem life throws at you, and it only happens over time. It does feel like a transformation, and so, can be a little bit scary. It's a healthy change, though.
The secondary defence is acknowledging that coping mechanisms aren't silly, but really damn useful. People always have a shot at controlling their anxiety and panic, and it feels great when controlling your breathing and focusing the mind happens to work.
Exercise And Going Outside
It's a bold claim to call something an antidepressant. My first set of medication was supposed to be one. So when I say sunlight and exercise are two of the greatest antidepressants, I say that with great caution. With that clear, I'd just like to point out how helpful it was for me to exercise and leave the house as much as I could.
People with panic issues may find exercise particularly useful as it lets the body work out some of the energy and adrenaline that can make attacks unbearable. For me, it also worked as a way to feel more accomplished every day and work towards a goal.
I'm not perfect at this. I struggle to fit in exercise with my daily life. But when I have the time, and feel ready, my running shoes are always good to go.
Gamificaton
Today marks my 70th day in a row that I have achieved my Duolingo quota. It's not a particularly challenging task each day but the effort of building the discipline to keep something up for so long has its own value.
Habitica has been going well. In times where depression and/or medication make remembering challenging it is great to make a list of what to do each day. The rewards allow me to treat myself in real life with moderation which leads to a healthy balance.
The greatest of all apps that I have used during my time, and will continue to use for as long as possible, is the Daylio Diary app. I had not realised the importance of tracking what I do each day, how I feel, and just writing a little describing how it went. I've largely lost the ability to track which days I did what. With enough focus I can tell you how my last week or so went at best. Now, I keep record of it.
The tracking of what I do each day and assigning how I felt during it is very effective at identifying what really makes me happy. I work from there and try to put more time into doing those things
The Bit Where This Blog Ends
I just want to thank everyone for just how amazing the response was from everyone last time I discussed mental health. Truly, I have accumulated some brilliant friends and been fortunate to have such an understanding and supportive family.
Like last time, I can't say depression is behind me. It is no longer controlling what is ahead of me, though. That's honestly much more than I thought would be possible.
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